I'm currently sitting in the waiting area of IHOP with my mom and sister in the waiting area. I hate this place. it smells like pancakes and french toast and it makes me nauceaus. but the thing that bothers me most is what I just noticed, sitting in the window of the lobby. it's a frosted glas design, showing a globe, complete with lattitude and longitude lines,but the only continents it shows are north and south america. First of all, how do you call yourself international when you obviously only concern yourself with the americas. 3hats hardly international. and then a part of me is a little insulted that those are the on this globe they're picturing. it almost reflects our ignorance for the rest of the world. I just hate that that's how even our biggest corporations allow to represent us. and we see it everyday and notice nothing. our only presence in other country aren't our senators, our diplomats or our foreign exchange students. it our capitalist businesses that invade other countries with their self-righteous barbaric, all for one tactics. and our ignorant residents that move to other countries to show everyone how much better they are. I dunno. maybe I'm just an angry person. or maybe I'm just reading too much into this. but this is my first ever trip to ihop and it's not my loathing for anything pancakes that'll keep me from coming back.

Little ol' me. Remember? The pretty annoying girl with the mousy brown hair and nothing to do with herself.


But anyway, not the point. I just wanted t give anyone reading this an update on my life. I move out. Yep, I'm on my own. I moved in with david, cause his dad moved out to 'find work upstate'. I really have no idea what he's doing up there.... besides getting drunk a lot and bringin down some bangin weed to sell, which bothers me none, because now I don't have to drive to get it. But besides that, I'm realy liking living on my own. It was really hard at first to get used to, being without my family. I was in bad shape for a few days. But I'm doin great now, and I love that when I come home I'm sitting on my couch, and when I drive it's in my car, and it just feels awesome to own everything that I own, even if it isn't the fanciest thing in the world.

But yeah. Wanna smoke a bong sometime? my cell's always on.

Something so perfect and so rare
There is no cure
There's not a prayer, a prayer
So what can I do?

I am the only perfect choice
You've met your match
I've lost my voice
And when you're gone it gets so cold
I swear I'm too young to be this old, this old
so what can I do?

I feel really good. Like for once, everything might just fall into place. and I'm just trying to bask in it before it all crashes down around me.

mood: excited

Soooooo, I'm in Florida. And I already got sunburn. Only one arm though, which is weird. And I feel better, here with the sun, and I like it. They're looking for a groomer over in vero beach at the petsmart. I wonder if I'd be able to stay here....

location: grandparents' place mood: chillin music: justin whistling the zelda theme?

I was watching the daily show today before I went to work and they mentioned that some were considering legalizing marijuana to help jumpstart the economy. Now, you all should know, that I do enjoy the benefits of a good toke, and although I've though before that this is what I wanted, I thught about it today and something about it just seemed unsettling. as I was thinking about it I realized that it seems that when we go through a serious economic downturn, we legalize something. after the great depression we ended prohibition, and now there's discussion of weed. I love weed, don't get me wrong, but it seems there might be a trend going. so far, there hasn't been anything of real harm legalized, but if there's another downturn in 40 or 50 years will they unleash something of actual harm? I mean, anything can cause harm in the wrong hands, that's why weed gets such a bad rep, but what if they legalize something that's just bad all around? there's a lot of cocaine goin' around illegally, but does that mean the government should legalize it and ignore the many downfalls for a couple million dollars? I don't know, the government just doesn't sit right with me anymore. it's all about money, and people don't understand how it works and that they really have nothing to do with the economy and can only do so much to control it, but they expect the government to do everything for them. honestly I think the problem is that we've just gotten too big. I personally think we break into 2 different but cooperative countries and try to work out the power. but only revolution can bring that on and everyone's too stupid and lazy. not that I don't love the US, but there's only so much a government can control before it becomes too much. I'm totally into that idea, as long as washington doesn't end up onthe commy- socialist side of the break, I'm fine.

but of course, I didn't even go to college so why listen to me? hehehe.

I have a car. I have a car! Or rather, I will have a car. It's a 92 Chevy Lumina, it has no brakes, 118,000 miles, it's big and it's clunky and I love it. I've tried to tell people, but they keep changing the subject. I feel like I'm the only one who's excited about this, but I don't care. I have a car! They just have to put in a new brake line, find some matching hubcaps, clean it out, and I'll be driving my wonderful loving chevy when I get my license. I'm so happy.

mood: ecstatic

I went to Maine for a week. The night before we left, I actually hung out with Char, and we saw the Bourne Ultimatum, which was ballin. One of my favorite memories will always be my father, driving the rv, singing Kelly Clarkson. But anyway, I had fun. We did a lot of shopping. I met a woman who lived in Montreal, but used to live in England. And she had a miiiiighty cute son. I dragged my mom, rob and cathy all over maine, looking for yarn shops(most of which turned out to not exist) and got some really nice yarn for a hat and mittens I'm gonna make. Did I mention that I have the hottest jacket ever? Cause I do. I love it. But ummm. I went to a carnival. Went on a crazy ride. Then I went to the beach with my mom, and now my enire backside is all burned. It was really bad yesterday, today it's a lot better. Tomorrow it'll be nothin. I got the new Vogue Kniting, and I love it. I haven't gotten to read it all yet, but I will. I hung out with Lauren S. and Davey today after I helped unpack things. It was nice, I haven't hung out with either of them in like, forever. We chilled, and after Davey went home me and Lauren both drank a tab, and her mom gave her pajama pants with stars on them, so we both kept going up to Erika(who was chillin with Beverly) and dance and went 'WOOO! SPACE PANTS! SPACE PANTS!' and talked about Harrison Ford.


"Mothers only abandon ugly children."

mood: bouncy

Word. So, I went to Virginia. Amy's team won their division, varsity didn't. Oh well. It was pretty okay-fun, though. It rained a lot of the time, which was a bummer because I really wanted to go to the beach, but hopefully I will soon. We got home at like, 11:30 last night, and I didn't get to bed until like, 1 this morning. I guess I slept through my alarm and my dad got really pissed because he couldn't yell at me to wake me up this morning because I locked my door last night. I couldn't help it, I was mad last night, and I lock the door when I'm mad. Don't ask, I don't even understand. I got to lunch second period, and I kinda wish I just hadn't gone at all. School is so stupid these days. Photography was good, though. My film came out, even though it's a little too light. But hey, I was sitting there scared that it hadn't come out at all, so as long as here's some pictures there, I'm good. I hung out with Erika after school, and then went to work. I had a good time at work, and I'm prety chill right now. I've been thinking all afternoon about how I have to and was going to do my homework, but now I'm not gonna. I'm just lazy and tired and want to go to bed. So good night.

mood: tired

I'm leaving for Virginia in a few minutes. I'm happy to go to a different state. I'm hoping this is what I've been waiting for, even if it is only for a couple of days. Peace.

mood: optimistic music: Wind blowing through open windows on the highway

Concert last night. Oh man, I love women's choir. That's all I'm gonna say about that. I don't know if we're having breakfast and doing joys and concerns tomorrow, but uhhh... I'm just gonna hope for snow? So yeah. Laury came. Nick didn't. I wasn't expecting him to. But I got really excited when I saw laury. She drove me home and it was good. and then James came over. Oh man, I love that boy. We had such a good time. I didn't think we would, but we did and it was amazing. He brouht the tv edition Scene It, just so we could play with the dvd and just not care about the actual game. He brought the game and forgot the dvd. And he also brought yummy things to eat. We decided we had a sitcom, and that the first episode would get the best reviews ever, and the rest would get shit reviews. Our first guest if gonna be Jesus. Them Moses. Then Erika. And we talked about Chris being a scumbag, and lost of other things. Oh and by the way, my sister myspace-messaged her asking about the whole chris thing and part of what Gina said was 'I know abou Chris kissing Kerri but I decided to give him a second chance(uhmm... did he tell her? Or did she find out through someone else? And if he did, how MUCH did he tell her?) And I'm not mad at her.' Ha. Haha. HAHAHA. She's not mad at me? I'm sorry, I wasn't really worrieed about that. Because she really wouldn't have a reason to be mad at ME. Chris is the scumbag, not me.

But anyway, so I went to work this morning very upset because no one can keep their hands off the fucking thermoses. And even worse, when I ask them if they've done anything with them, apparently no one touches them. Amazing. Faggots. but I went to work, and then I walked around with mand after I got out, until laury picked us up. We went outside by FYE, and then came back inside, and I started to dance, and while I was dancing I happened to look into Gertrude Hawk and see Nick Knibbs, who looked at me at the same fuckin' instant. So I oddly enough turned around and started walking away, and tried to make manda come with me, but she was in a crazy state of mind today, and when I told her what happened, she just turned around and walked into Gertrude Hawk. And then I followed behind her, looking like dirt, and she talked to him for like three minutes, took my cell, walked to the entrance and turned around and said 'Oh, she saw you in here and was shy, so she walked away. So I made her come back to see you' at which point I wanted to stab her. But I stood there and talked to him about how she was like.... stoned or something. OMG! BEST PART! When we first came in, I asked him 'So where were you last night Nick? Not at my concert? That's where yu weren't. Because you like to break my heart.' and he went 'I'm so sorry, Kerri' and leaned in to hug me, so I leaned over the counter and we hugged, and he kissed me on the cheek!!!! EEP! *girlish moment* So while my head was like, making a weird sound of delight, manda decides to say 'AWWWW. Do you like her?' And she didn't get to say anymore. Because I beat her and said 'SHUT UUUP!' I'm pretty sure I was like, beat red.

Yeah. Pretty much made my day.

And then we went with laury to my house, where I changed clothes and gave laury her birthday present. It was a book of Evangelian artwork. She loved it. And then we took the puppy to the park, where I chased him around for like, an hour. Without a coat, which drove manda nuts, because she was fuckin freezing, but she always is. It was fun. But my lungs hurt after a while. That dog has way too much energy *sigh*. It was still fun. and then we went back to my house, and I sat on manda's feet in an attempt to make them warm(which apparently didn't work) and then laury left and manda ate sausage and peppers with my family. Barry got mad because ally pointed out the fact that anytime barry says something. it usually has to do with drugs. And the use of them. Because he's fuckin retarded. And then I had to clean up from dinner, and then me and Manda chilled in my room then manda went home. And now I'm just chillin. I don't want to get up tomorrow. I hope we have a snow day. Then I'll call up nick and just be like 'Yo muthafucka we chill?' Except I'm definately not gonna do that.

I had a dream last night where Chris kissed me. And then my cousin. And I cut off his penis and raped him with it. There were no extreme details. But enough to get the point across to me. It was a good horrible dream, y'know what I mean? Because I'm pretty sure Char's the only one who really understands how much I hate him right now. Well, maybe manda too, considering I called her up and screamed at her about it at the top of my lungs, and then was shaking while I told her about it. I dunno.

location: the back porch of my mins mood: content

I'm so tired of fucking trying. And this is so fucking emo and shit, but I really just don't care anymore. I don't know what the fuck I'm still doing here. There's nothing to really keep me here. I could just leave.

I submitted new deviations in an attempt to keep my mind busy and off of things. DIdn't work, but I got things done. the link's in one of my previous entries. I don't feel like finding it again.

Or the courage to say it. And I guess that's my fownfall.

I woke up this morning because my brother let the dog outo f his crate and decided no to watch him. So, Captain came to my room, instead. And sat on my head. And bit anything he could get his mouth around. So I got up, and watched Life Aquatic with Steve Sizzou. At least, I think it's Sizzou. Maybe it's Zissou. I dunno. It was a pretty good movie. There was this one song in there, by a band called the Zombies. I liked the words. Then I made coffee, but I had to go grocery shopping with my parents. I didn't enjoy it. My dad has been making nasty sarcastic comments about smiles towards me. Because, y'know, making fun of me when I'm depressed is gonna make me soooo much happier, right? Whatever. I got free cookies. And a half pound of roast beef. The lady who helped us behind the deli counter was Alfie's mom. I don't think she recognized me. Good thing. I got home and made jello. Jello and coffee are about the only things I can keep down. I went sledding with Manda. It really cheered me up. It was the most fun I've had all week. That's not really saying much, but at least it's saying something. I kept stealing her snowboard, because it was less stupid than mine. I came home and I watched Scarface. It was awesome, I loved it. It's a messed up movie, though. Amy's friend showed up about 16 minutes efore the end though, but I couldn't watch the end for like, an hour. I promised Amy I'd pay for the pizzas for her parties. My mom told me to get 6 large pies. 91 dollars. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. So I got 4. and 2 dozen garlic knots. it was like, 70 buck. Holy shit. She's lucky I love her. She doesn't even appreciate it, the little bitch. She didn't even say thank you. She was just a snot. But whatever. I finished watching Scarface, and then I started Walk the Line. But my mom called me down to eat birthday cake. I sang happy birthday. But amy's friend make me want to vomit more than I already want to. So I came back upstairs, and now I'm watching Walk the Line. It's pretty good. I've never heard Johnny Cash before, so it's cool.


All this time I spend alone leaves my mind wandering back to Alfie. And I'd be lying if I said I'm not always half hoping that he'll come up to me, and tell me that he's sorry and that he didn't mean it. On friday, I walked out of work, and I looked around for him. I don't know why I thought he'd actually want me back after he knows how good life is without me. I guess I'd be lying if I said this whole keeping food down things wasn't because I'm stupidly, ridiculously depressed about this. He recorded(video) himself playing a song he wrote for me. At least, I'm pretty sure he told me it was for me. And every time he looked at the fucking camera, I wanted to bust into tears all over again. I have work tomorrow. I can't be this stupid when I work.

mood: deprimido music: Johnny Cash

So. I guess Alfie's gone. It hurts. Because I really tried. I mean, I guess I try in all my relationships, but I really wanted this one to work. I gues I'm just a fucking idiot, though. Part of me hopes that he'll change his mind, and want me still. The other part of me keeps saying that there's no way he'd want me after he knows what life could be without me. It's amazing though, because when we were whatever we were, I couldn't say anything about how I felt about him. Now that he doesn't want me, all I'm talking about is how much I like him, and how I'm mad at him because he did this. But I'm not mad. I'm just hoping he'll see me hurting and change his mind. Kind of a really immature, selfish way to go about things. I guess I can't help it. It's not like it wasn't there before, it's just that... I dunno. I didn't have to talk about it. I thought I knew what was going on. I guess I'm jus too boring. I keep saying that he didn't do this and he didn't do that, even though he said he did. But it's my fault. When you get right down to it, it's my fault. I didn't do enough for him. I'm being so ridiculous about this. I feel sick. I just want to go back to when he was happy, because I told him that I wouldn't have to watch a chick flick, but he would have to watch the Godfather with me.

mood: depressed

Yeah. Basically. I said a joke about my mom going to rehab at dinner. Uh huh. That's right. But apparently, I have a sense of humor and the rest of my family doesn't. Fine, I get it. I said something that was apparently stupid around you guys. I won't do it again. The only people who heard me were gramps and my father. My dad flipped out on me and told me to apologize and tried to make me feel guilty and pretty much called me an asshole. Whatever. And then I apologized to Gramps and he said he accepted the apology but I know he didn't and he just did that grandfather thing where you know you've dissapointed him and I never meant to do that! I never meant that at all! But he just said he accepted the apology and said I should think before I speak and continued to stare at my plate. My grandfather's my favorite person in the world and the fact that I keep dissapointing him hurt so much so I just went to my bathroom and cried for a couple minutes. But that's not enough, they told grammy and mommy, too. So now all the adults are pissed at me, and barry came in here in an attempt to find out what I said and tried to give me a lecture. I flat out told him that I didn't need or want a lecture and to get out of my room. And Rob probably knows, so he'll come up here trying to give me a lecture, and when I don't want to listen we'll start yelling at each other and he'll scream that I'm a stupid bitch and then my dad will get involved and yell at us and I'll ahve to apologize to my grandparents again and I'll get more lectures.

God damn! My family's drama is so god damn predictable. So my mom went to rehab? It happened. We can't pretend it didn't. It's not gonna go away. And the fact that we never talk about it drives me up a FUCKING WALL. I can't talk about it with any of my friends because I won't open my fucking mouth and now it's taboo around my family? I'm gonna go insane. Fucking insane.

Am I the wrong one here?

mood: crushed

It's that labrador-poodle mixes LOVE to shit all over their crates. Expecially if they've just been cleaned. Oh yeah, and that my parents are fuckbags. I told them about this french trip to Quebec like, the third week of school. I gave them all the information they wanted like, the next day. I gave them everything they needed to discuss me going. The deposit on the trip is due tomrrow, and they still haven't fuckin talked about it. Assholes. I bet my mom didn't even do shit with my working papers today either. Goddamn.

mood: bitchy

The Nintendo Wii. Comes out. In 14 days. I've been asking Barry what the fuckin release date was since like, 4 months ago. He always said he'd give me an answer, and then he never gave me one. Now I find out online today that it's coming out in two weeks, and I can't preorder it. Because already too many people have. Barry said he's been telling me for months, and that's bullshit. Because I would've run down to EB and reserved one. He's acting like this is a big joke. I'm actually really fuckin' pissed at him. Because I've been wanting this console for a year, along with Zelda: Twilight Princess. And now I'm not going to have it until like.... February. Asshole.

location: angrytown!!!!!!!!!!!! mood: pissed off

I wish I had been there when Connor Oberst recorded that. It would've been wonderful to see how he acted as he told that story. And sang that song. When I picture it, I think he's all anxious=looking and kinda jittery. That's not the right word, but I'll think of it.

location: Splashing into the ocean. mood: content music: At the Bottom of Everything- Bright Eyes

I kinda wish it would. But anyway. I got up. I was supposed to get up at 5:45 so I could have a nice, leisurely shower, and take my time waking up and getting ready for school. But no. My alarm didn't go off. So i woke up on my own at 6:23 and looked at my alarm clock like WTF YOU STUPID SLUT! So I took this super quick shower, and got ready, but still not quick enough. I had to get a band aid because of this cut on the back of my ankle. That took way too long. On the way down to the bus stop, the bus passed us. So we ran halfway to out bus stop. And I looked pretty ridiculous, I'm told. I was holding my hoody pocket in one hand, and my bookbag in the other. But whatever. Uta apologized for not seeing us as she passed, and I told her it was my fault. Fuckin alarm clock. Anyway. I don't know what is abou Chris lately, but everything he does is wrong. So I just sat in the bus seat, listening to my music and feeling completely miserable and isolated. I got to school and my mood didn't really change. I kinda really feel left out of everything. I hate it so much. But I'm so busy. I'd try to make time, if someone called me once in a while to let me know what's going on... Whatever. I'm being a whiney bitch. So, I went through the school day and I came home and cut my foot open stepping on glass in the basement. Apparently, the people in my family are so fucking lazy, that when they realize that there's glass on the floor, we can't be bothered enough to sweep it up. Because I wasn't the first person to cut their foot on a piece of glass. Whatever. When I got home, I drank apple cider, and then I went running. I ran to the end of my road, stopped, turned aorund, and ran halfway back. I died as I reached my driveway. So I went inside, and I curled up in the recliner in the living room(several times. I was interrupted for things, like feeding the cats. Where I cut my foot.) And I started to read my term paper book, but Loki jumped up on the recliner and sat on my stomach, so I put the book away, and lay back in the recliner. I almsot fell asleep like, 5 times, but I was really cold. I only had one sock on, from when I was wiping blood off my toe. So Ally was nice enough to bring me a blanket, and I had a 2 hour nap. It was a good nap. But when I woke up, the sun was setting, and I realized that I still had yet to do my photo project. SO jackiebear met up with me, and we went down to the park and we took a few shots. But there wasn't enough light after that. So we went back to my house, where I had mushy rice and yummy boneless ribs. Jack left just in time for my dad to go on a big rant about how things are slow at work, so we had to cut back on a lot of things. ANd how we needed to help out around the house,because my parents want to have thanksgiving at our house. Barry was a bitch throughout the whole thing. And then that went on, and amy and I cleaned up from dinner and I came upstairs and started doing my history essay. I don't remember if it's due tomorrow, so I caled up Peter and asked him. He wasn't in school today, so we had this 15 minute conversation which was just basically trying to figure out how I could get out of handing in the essay tomorrow, if it needed to be turned in, with detours about his hating me, me being a slut, my self image, Mr. Lisberg, and him not going to school today. But mostly him not going to school and him hating me. And now I'm here. Procrastinating on doing my essay.

mood: working music: Gloria- The Doors